- And just keep thinking this is temporary, this is temporary.

You know, you are doing all of this hard work right now so that you can live a long, long life.

You know what I mean?

(soft piano music) - I know you told me that we're obviously doing this for a cure.

- We worry about patients that have larger tumors and it's gotten into the lymph nodes and they're triple-negative because those are the patients that tend to have kinda the worse prognosis.

- But I did have-- - More nausea.

- More nausea this last time.

- [Suzanne] And how's the fatigue going?

- Worse this time.

- [Suzanne] Be ready for that because we're doing the fourth big dose of chemotherapy.

- Being a nurse and seeing a lot of breast cancers.

In my mind I used to think okay, if I ever get breast cancer if that would ever happen to me bilateral mastectomy.

Not a second thought.

That's the medical person in me.

- Now do you need any prescriptions?

- I spoke about it so lightly.

As if it was really no big deal to lose your breasts.

Didn't think it was gonna effect me like it did.

And then the first time I saw myself afterwards I can't put into words how it felt.

- [Suzanne] Your lungs sound good.

- [Terri] Do you want a cup of coffee or a cup of hot chocolate Don?

- [Don] Yeah, coffee's fine.

- [Terri] Cream and sugar?

- [Husband] They brought some pastries down there.

- Who am I gonna blame for cancer?

I mean, I can't blame anybody for that.

I just feel sad more than anything.

Just sad that it is what it is.

- [Don] What is Roman's favorite dinosaur?

You said he liked dinosaurs.

What is his favorite?

- It's the one with the long, the long neck.

I call it long neck but what's the real name?

You know, I did have bilateral mastectomies with plans for reconstruction but that's down the road so I'm living with an unfamiliar body.

I was looking at these pictures the other day.

How funny is that?

What do you think Don?

Isn't that funny?

- [Don] They're beautiful.

- [Terri] What do you think about mom and dad in that picture?

- [Don] You're both beautiful.

Younger and now.

- I married by junior high sweetheart.

He's a year older than I am.

And he said the first day I walked into 7th grade I had a red coat on.

And he saw me walking in and he said "I'm gonna marry her someday."

True story.

When I look at this I think who are those people.

Could my teeth have been any straighter?

They've gotten crooked as I've gotten older.

(chuckles) Here we are.

This December it will be 31 years we've been married.

31 years.

I just look at that and I think oh my God.

Look at the white shoes.

- I remember the day that we went in and talked to the oncologist.

She said you know "Life as you know it "Will never be the same."

And she probably hit it right on the head.

It changed everything.

- Seems like a lifetime ago.

Long time.

Cancer was not something I expected to be part of my life.

But it is.

It is.

Unfortunately.

One day at a time right?

(soft music) - [Bev] Look at this.

- Oh, I love it.

I already love the material and the print.

Oh, I love it.

- And it feels good don't it?

- But it's got that band on it though.

Would you want to cover up?

It's beautiful.

Bev Farmer is my friend from a long time ago.

We went to nursing school together.

- Yeah I'm a wimp.

I'm not a wimp all the time.

Like I can take these other people, you're fine.

- [Terri] You're fumbling right now.

- But you, I can't.

Well I wasn't supposed to be the nurse.

That was the deal to begin with remember?

I'm not pushing your chemo.

- No, but you do it right.

When I first got diagnosed she's like one of the first people I called.

I didn't know any other person that I would want to talk to more.

And she answered and I said "My friend, I have cancer."

And there was just silence on the other end.

And she's been by my side ever since.

- Terri Rodighiero, doxorubicin 112 milligrams, IV push.

- She's my friend and I just wanted her to be comfortable and feel safe.

I mean, it makes me have a nervous chill.

Because when you think about it and you think about what happens to these people here and what you're giving them and what you put them through you know, it's life changing.

Because you know, you're not able to be in control.

It kind of controls you.

- When my first treatment didn't go so well who but Bev Farmer came right by my side and you know, I was telling her I'm not going back.

She said, "You can't make those kinds of decisions "When you're this sick and you're feeling this bad."

And so she said "I'll tell you what, I'm gonna do your next treatment."

She said, "I'm gonna be there for every one "Of your treatments."

So far, she's three for three.

- When you're this sick and you get this diagnosis people don't know how to talk to you.

They're intimidated because they don't know what to say.

And really and truly, the person doesn't want you to say much of anything.

You know, they just want you to listen.

And not treat them differently.

You know, and not, not to pity.

- That was the last of it.

I'm glad.

- Terri is a very proud person.

She doesn't want people to you know, feel sorry for her.

You know.

Although she did crack me up.

She went to get her tires changed and had a turban on.

She said she got better service so.

I said, "Milk it for all it's worth."

- I'm gonna have super powers after this I do believe.

- [Bev] You might glow in the dark.

- I'm not sure what they're gonna be.

- [Husband] How's it going?

- She's doing good.

She's about done.

- [Husband] You got an appetite?

- I'm already thinking about macaroni and cheese.

- Sometimes families come out a lot stronger after an ordeal like this.

And sometimes they don't.

It just depends on how strong it was initially.

Things like that either make your family stronger.

You know, you pull together, work together as a group or a couple.

Or you don't you know?

See you later.

- [Husband] She tells me sometimes she feels like she's going through all this for nothing.

- [Bev] No you're not.

- I got her license renewed the other day on her car.

I got it for two years.

She said I wasted my money.

- I knew exactly what you were gonna say.

- She said I wasted money.

She said you should have just gotten one year.

- I'm happy that I'm halfway there.

And I you know, when I came here last week I'm like at my halfway point and I was happy.

But then I got that halfway still to go.

- But look at the end result.

After that, we're blowing this joint.

I'm gonna be back, I gotta run this to the other side.

But you're going, you got one hour.

I'll be back.

- It's been a tough week.

Probably the toughest mentally in a while.

- [Terri] Tough couple weeks.

Yeah.

- And really no particular reason are they?

I mean, nothing's changed over the last couple months.

Actually, the treatments are louder.

- I think I've changed.

I don't know.

Like, I told you the person I look at looking back at me you know?

I think I'm tired.

- [Husband] Frustrated.

- With the process I'm frustrated.

And I'm scared.

(sighs) - I want to go to every chemo treatment.

You know, I didn't want her to be there without me with her going through those treatments.

It's tough.

You know, you're sitting there watching her hooked up and actually you're watching poison go into her.

But without that poison she didn't have a chance.

- I know you have your own issues you're dealing with with this.

I know that.

I know that.

And we need to talk about that.

I know he's scared.

I know he loves me.

He doesn't really share a whole lot about it.

(soft piano music) - [Husband] What's the matter?

(crying) Terri.

- I've never let him see me post-mastectomy.

And that's my choice.

I don't want that to be a lasting impression in his mind.

We've been married over 30 years.

And there's nothing he doesn't know about me.

But I can't...

I just can't share that with him.

When this is over I don't care if I ever hear that beeping sound every again.

(soft piano music) - [Husband] I never dreamed we'd be sitting here right now.

- Thank you.

- [Nurse] You're welcome.

- [Husband] Then you kinda look around.

Everybody's got their own story you know?

I'm sure they didn't dream they'd be around here either.

- [Woman] Heavenly Father, we want to thank you so much for this day.

And Lord I pray that you will be with us through the coming years at the cancer center.

Help us with the challenges that we will face Lord.

I pray that you make a way Lord for all that is needed especially for the care of our patients.

Help us to be a better team this year Lord than we were last year.

Protect us from compassion fatigue and give us strength.

Father we thank you.

We praise you and give you all the glory in Jesus name, Amen.

- [Group] Amen.

(doorbell ringing) - [Terri] Hey!

How you doing?

I'm so glad to see you.

- You too, did you miss me?

- [Terri] I did and I love you.

- I love you too.

- [Terri] Did you have a good trip?

- I did, I had a blast.

- I'm super jealous.

Come on in.

Look how cute, Joanne got me this.

This is Walmart.

- [Bev] No kidding?

- They have a whole line of breast cancer-- - Oh they do have a lot of stuff.

- Look how cute this is.

- They also have this at Krogers.

- Get out.

- Yeah!

- I know it's got the ribbon and a little bit of bling.

- I love that.

Did you go back and see him today?

- Nine months.

After the completion of radiation.

Nine months before the expanders come out and the implants go in.

I did the mental math like, real quick in my head and I said, "Oh my God that's a year from now."

Once you add on what, radiation doesn't start for what?

Three weeks?

Four weeks?

Then you've got six weeks of radiation and then nine months later.

And then here I am gonna be into another year into this.

- Yeah, but think about this.

Think about this.

You may still have to have all this done but you're not gonna be getting chemo.

You're not gonna be getting radiation.

You're not gonna be doing surgeries.

So you're gonna feel better.

- I just don't want to look at this anymore.

- [Bev] I know but it's not gonna look like it did before.

- I don't want to look at it anymore.

I don't know Bev.

I'm tired of hiding and concealing and you know what I mean?

- [Husband] What was you expecting?

- I don't know what I thought but I never saw nine months coming.

And that's nine months after radiation so it just, it's just...

I'm just disheartened.

I mean, I'm a cross between disheartened and mad.

Furious you know?

- But obviously survival is number one.

Right?

- For one year almost I have looked at myself in the mirror and it's the most difficult thing.

Every day it's the most difficult thing.

And I just can't imagine having to do this for another year.

I just can't.

I just want to be normal.

I just want to go back to my life.

I just want to wake up and it be all over.

I'm done with this project you know?

- But you aint done with it though.

I mean, you've done great.

You've been tough thus far and I think you got the hardest part behind you.

I guess at this point, it's just as much a mental wear to the physical right?

It's exhausting.

It's been hard.

It's hard on a marriage, it's hard on a relationship.

Nothing is like what it used to be in every sense.

Our day is nothing like what it used to be.

Our nights aren't.

It's a sad time.

- I never dreamed that I would be sitting and waiting until next fall.

Which is no reason for me not to do radiation.

It's not a strong enough reason for me not to but boy, does it make it tempting.

To just say I'm just not gonna do it.

- [Husband] What was the?

- So I can be wrapped up and done.

I just feel like a freak show all the time.

I would never, ever, ever want him to see me like this.

It all seemed like such a vanity issue and it's so much deeper than vanity.

It is so much deeper than vanity.

I just feel broken and I want it fixed you know?

I just want to get fixed.

I knew today was gonna be one of those days.

I felt it when I woke up this morning.

You know what I mean?

- [Husband] Mhmm.

- Oh Jesus.

(soft piano music) In the beginning it was a whirlwind.

You're just moving from diagnosis to surgery and rapidly moving into treatment.

And then, after chemo's finished then you start to feel a little better.

And you come out of the fog.

Then you start thinking and processing.

There is a level of frustration when people say "Well you look so great."

Because sometimes what you see on the outside is not necessarily how you're feeling on the inside.

And I look in the mirror and I see Terri.

Physically looking like Terri but I don't feel like Terri.

Not yet.

(soft piano music) - The last three or four months has been the toughest yet.

You know, you convince yourself sometimes that we're beating this, everything's great.

And it's not.

It's been plumb hell.

So I guess we're at the burnout point.

If you can get at a burnout point with cancer we're at the burnout point.

And I want it turned off.

(soft piano music) - [Terri] You know, I know they removed the cancer when they removed the breast.

They removed the tumor.

But I had a microscopic disease in my lymph nodes.

You know, that means it's had a way to filter and travel through my body.

So you know, in my mind I'm just thinking you know, are those little cells gathering and making another tumor?

I guess what I'm gonna ask is how am I gonna know that I don't have cancer anymore?

That I'm okay.

- [Suzanne] That you're okay?

- [Terri] Yeah.

How am I gonna know that I'm okay?

How do I get that peace of mind that I'm okay?

- You will always have the umbrella of cancer in the back of your life.

And you will always be at risk of having a relapse.

And so that's why we are gonna stay in the loop with each other.

- [Terri] Okay.

- But you know, that magic feeling of peace.

I don't know who can give that to you.

Other than you.

You've done everything that's been asked of you to be done.

And you've done everything that you can do to eliminate it from your life.

But there's a small number of people where it can come back.

And we never know at this point in time if that's you of if you're one of the lucky ones who has been cured.

- [Terri] I'm not done with cancer, no.

I mean, I have hopes that I'll come out stronger and wiser and you know, a better person.

But I have to wait and see.

There's so much more that lies in front of me.